Rotters, Washington DC 19 January 2012
By your correspondent Bill the Butcher
Today, in a packed news conference, US Defence Secretary Leon Panetta made a startling disclosure: that the infamous video of US Marines urinating on what appeared to be Taliban corpses was nothing of the sort.
“It’s true, of course, that those were men of the 3rd battalion, 2nd Marines, and that the episode happened in Afghanistan,” he said, “and it is true that the video depicts those men urinating on Taliban men lying on the ground. But it is absolutely not true that this video depicts any desecration of Taliban corpses.
“After minutes of intensive inquiries amongst the personnel of the battalion, the truth has come to light: that instead of attempting to desecrate the corpses of dead jihadists, those brave American warriors were going out of their way to perform an errand of mercy.
“The facts are these: that the Taliban were not dead, but were in intense agony from jellyfish stings. As is well known, the venom of many jellyfishes is highly acidic and urine has been used, by no less a celebrity than Thor Heyerdahl, as an emergency first-aid measure to neutralise that acid. Instead of thinking of their own safety, our brave Marines went beyond the call of duty to help these ragheads...I mean, Taliban...recover from those stings by applying their urine on them, even in the middle of the battlefield with bullets flying all around.
“It’s even more of a sacrifice on their part when you realise that these brave men had been saving up their urine for a party after returning to base, when they were to have taught some grateful Afghan women they had liberated from the clutches of the Taliban the meaning of the term ‘golden shower’. Those Afghan ladies will unfortunately have to wait for another opportunity to complete their education on that point.
“Meanwhile, investigations are underway to find out the identity of the traitorous scum who posted that video on the internet. He, or she, is undoubtedly a terrorist sympathiser and will be imprisoned without trial or else, if that is unfeasible, taken out by drone strike. The President will tolerate no treason of this kind, which is designed to undermine the morale of our brave men and women in uniform.”
To incredulous queries from correspondents asking how the Taliban could have been stung by jellyfish in mountainous, landlocked Afghanistan, Mr Panetta had this to say:
“As you know, the President has declared the war in Afghanistan to be the Good War. The Taliban and the Al Qaeda are in cahoots, and continue to cooperate closely to this day, planning strikes meant to overthrow and destroy Israel and the United States. The President’s commitment to the security of Israel is second to none, and he is determined to make sure that Israel’s right to self-defence is not compromised. That is why we will keep fighting in Afghanistan, if need be, another thousand years.
“We have strong intelligence input proving that the Taliban are regularly sending men down to the bottom of the Arabian Sea to confer with the corpse of Osama bin Laden. Those Taliban were, according to our intelligence inputs, among the latest batch of emissaries to the Al Qaeda terrorist who was executed by the President last year. They must have been stung by jellyfish while under water.
“Unfortunately,” he continued, “the Taliban failed to survive their jellyfish stings – in fact they died while first aid was still being administered in the form of urine – but the Marines continued to administer the urine because they are well aware of religious sensibilities and know well that the Islamic injunction is to wash the bodies of the dead before burial. Afghanistan, as we all know, is a horrible, dry land – nothing like these lovely United States that God has declared to be the greatest nation in the world – and water is a rarity. Therefore, those Marines were doing a social service by washing those dead jihadists with urine, which my doctor assures me is sterile and is far better than any other water those terrorist fucks...uh, Taliban...would have been washed with otherwise, if at all.
“All in all, those brave warriors deserve our commendation, not our condemnation, and for their courage and self-sacrifice, I have accordingly personally recommended them for the Congressional Medal of Honour.”
Meanwhile, in response to this information proving that the Al Qaeda and the Taliban continue their cooperation, President Obama announced that the United States would immediately impose an additional round of sanctions on 1083 Iranian entities, including fishermen and cashew-nut sellers, and demanded that Europe and Japan follow suit. He also announced that the US would begin the construction of an additional ten aircraft carrier groups in order to protect US interests overseas and to stop any future underwater meetings between Osama bin Laden’s corpse and Taliban men.
While these measures failed to satisfy his Republican opponents, who demanded an immediate attack on Iran, conservative commentators such as Pamela Geller and Ann Coulter declared that Obama’s policies had made US Marines too “soft hearted” for their own good, and that they should have made no attempt to help the Taliban. “Those Muslim jihadist terrorists want to overthrow the United States,” Geller wrote. “They deserve anything they get – except first aid or washing. Get the Traitor Out of the White House Now!”
Speaking outside the gates of the White House, self-professed liberal atheist and president of the Association of Worshippers of Obama the Lord (AWOL), Barb Bummer, popularly known as Aunt Barbara, announced that her organisation would redouble its efforts to secure his re-election and that it would petition the Nobel Prize Committee to award the President not just a second Nobel Peace Prize but also the Nobel Prizes in Physics, Chemistry, Medicine and Economics. “He is a man so superior,” she said, “that he deserves every single prize the human race has ever invented!”
Meanwhile, in an Afghan village, a farmer called Majid Khan, speaking to your correspondent in a one-to-one interview, said that the three men in the video were civilians and not Taliban at all, and in response to what he called the “desecration” of their corpses, he would dig out his old AK 47 from the anti-Soviet jihad and join in the resistance movement. “They killed three young men of my village,” he said, “and befouled their bodies. Three hundred will now take up arms against them.”
Osama bin Laden’s corpse could not be reached for comment.